Better Than I Ever Was - 31st Birthday
Earned my Thanksgiving dinner at a 5k in Redlands, CA
At 31, I thought I would have everything in my life sorted out. Growing up in my family, it seemed as though the pathway was to finish school or find a career early in my 20s, find a partner and get married in my mid to late 20s, and by the time I reached 30 I would be well into a career with 2-3 kids in the household. I'm not going to say that this was something my parents, or family for that matter, explicitly said would happen. However, seeing everyone seemingly going on this path made me feel like it was the way to go about life. Yet, as I sit here writing this, I can tell you that it's never that easy. I thought that reaching 31 meant that I would be at some finished version of myself, one that maybe would just coast through the rest of my life. I was wrong, though.
I realize now that there is no "perfect" form of who we are, as we are always changing. This year alone I have felt these changes enter my life in ways I had never really expected. Some are more serious than others, yet change all the same. I won't do a huge "Year in Review" yet, but I want to quickly go over some changes I have noticed about myself and what I look forward to doing in the upcoming year of being 31.
Changes this year. Some of these changes are physical, some are emotional, but all of them remind me that 31 looks different than I imagined:
Hangovers – This has probably been the most surprising, physically. I realized that hangovers were not the same anymore when I spent TWO days feeling the leftover anxiety from a night out. Unlike my college days when I would wake up with a raging headache, nausea, anxiety through the roof, and at one point a blank spot in my vision (that was scary), just to do it all over again, today's hangovers are MUCH more mild. The fear of feeling worse is what keeps me from drinking too much these days.
Weight – This, by far, has been the most frustrating. I had a good workout routine, and once I added running to my regimen, I felt pretty good going into my 30s. Then, sometime this year, I realized I was gaining a lot of weight. Even after training for a full marathon, I ended up gaining more weight than losing. However, I have also accepted that your body goes through changes that you don't always anticipate or have much control over. Stress this year has done a number on me, and I also believe that my body has finally reached its full maturity. A man's body is what my dad called it.
Hair – I started having hair troubles around 2021. I would run my fingers through my hair and several strands would come off. I noticed my hair thinning more and more, making me really uncomfortable about the way I looked. It wasn't until I saw an old photo where I noticed what appeared to be a bald spot that I decided to act. After starting hair supplements, I'm back to having thicker hair. While I have never been the one to feel like my appearance is the most important thing about me, I have always wanted to look maintained and healthy. I've realized that the other factors impacting hair growth—like stress—have become so prevalent in my life that I need to make a change.
Proposing – This one will also go in my yearly recap, but I wanted to quickly touch on it here as I see it as a huge personal growth moment. I feel very lucky to have found someone like my fiancée. She changed my outlook on life and I am excited to live the rest of my years with her. This moment was not only big for my relationship, but for myself as well. It was a way to tell myself that I am ready for the next step—that I am responsible enough, mature enough, and patient enough to embark on this next chapter. Most importantly, it is a sign that I have trust in myself—in making the right decision and having the willingness to do what's best for my future family. No, it is not in the original timeline I had imagined. I am okay with that though. This happened when I was ready and with the person I know is right for me.
I'm sure there are PLENTY of other changes that I am missing in this very short list. Plus, there's the Year in Review still coming up. If anything, this list reminds me that I am still growing, I am still becoming who I want to be, and that there is still so much ahead of me. The physical changes remind me that my body is evolving in ways I can't always control. The emotional ones, like choosing when to propose, remind me that I'm the one steering my life, even when it doesn't match the timeline I once imagined. I may not be at the point in life that I thought I would but I realize that’s okay. As my dad said once when I was a kid, borrowing part of the phrase from a Toby Keith song, “I am not as good as I once was, but I am better than I ever was”. All these years later, I still remember my dad’s spin on the phrase as a sign that we are all still works in progress. For now, I am going to enjoy reflecting on my first year of my thirties as I embark on my next, all while enjoying as many free birthday drinks and treats as I can.
Original Toby Keith line, inspired from Burt Reynolds “I ain’t as good as I once was, but I’m as good once As I ever was”